The Bauer Blog
by Chikory
Summary: I got bored, so I started a Jack Bauer blog. Then I realised there wasn't enough Bauer in the world, so I thought I'd upload it here. Don't expect anything great, I'm just a bored individual.
1. Chapter 1

The following takes place between 12am and 2am...

I finished watching the World Cup match. I can't remember who was playing, it was that shit, damn it!. All I know is I wanted to get up and kill the umpire. But unfortunately, there are laws that prohibit me from doing such a thing. That is, unless I make it look like it was a matter of National Security. But I'd had a long day, damn it, and it takes a lot of effort to pull something like that off. It's less effort for me of course, being Jack Bauer and all. So I guess when it really boiled down to it, I just couldn't be assed. Damn it!

I had like, a whole keg of beer on my own, too. Tony came around with Michelle and Chloe. He brought a 12 pack and conked out after 2 cans. But me, I downed that whole damn keg and then pointed and laughed at his passed out life form. He's such a whimp. Just don't tell him I told you that, I'd hate to have to give him one of my special Jackomatic wedgies. Damn it, those rock. But what do you expect? I'm one of the most kick ass dudes around, damn it.

I contemplated brushing my teeth, but then realised that Jack Bauer doesn't have to bother with such mediocre little things like that. So not being tired after a boring game of Soccer and a whole keg of beer, I went over to my computer which had been left on. I thought maybe someone had tried to hack me, but then I realised that that is so impossible because my computer has all the latest technology and things you've never even heard of.

So, I went into a chat room and yelled at a bunch of piss ant little kids. I tell ya, these 13 year-olds are so lame. They're all like, "OMG! LOLZ!1 MANG!1" So I just showed them some of my ass kicking Jack Bauerness and they ran like the little girls they are. Damn it, I rock.

Anyway, that got boring after a while. So I went out on my balcony and decided to play a game with the passers by. No one came, I guess that was because it was oh-one-thirty-two-am-and-twenty-seconds, so I ordered a pizza.

When the pizza guy came I thought it would be fun to play interrogation 101. Naturally I didn't tell him it was a game, otherwise it wouldn't have been any fun for me. The best part was when he shit himself and admitted to lying on his resume to get the job. Turns out he never graduated high school. He's so going to be in the shit when I tell his boss. But I won't, because Jack Bauer isn't a dobber. I'll just get a bit of mileage out of it and demand free pizzas every now and then.

I let him go, and thanked him for his time. He ran and neglected to say thank you and give me one of those manly hugs that only Jack Bauer can make manly. So I shot him in the leg.

01:59:22 -

The phone rings... who could it be?

Dink. Dink. Dink. Dink. 02:00:00


	2. Chapter 2

The following takes place between 2am and 4am...

So, the phone was ringing. It scared the shit out of me at first. Being Jack Bauer and all, I have the BEST reflexes, so I ninja kicked the phone right off the table; which wasn't exactly a good thing because I paid 300 bucks for the thing. It was still ringing though, so I figured that I couldn't have done that much damage.

I answered it in my uber cool fashion.

"Jack Bauer."

and it turned out to be Chloe. She'd downed 6 of the 12 pack Tony brought over and was totally off her face. At least she didn't pass out like that pussy of a friend Tony did.

So anyway, Chloe is acting all stupid and crap, so I decide to play along and go, "Wazzzzzup?"

But because she's got some mental disorder that makes her have a hard time relating to people, she states the obvious and goes, "Seriously, Jack. Why do you ask such stupid questions all the time? I don't have time for this. I'm drunk and I only have 5 minutes left before I pass out on the floor."

I decided to ignore her totally in-character outburts because she's a bitch and it's just easier that way, and just changed the subject.

"Well what do you wanna do?"

"Integration 101!"

"I've done that already."

"Oh damn it! I wanted to play that. You know I love playing that game!"

"Quit crying or I'll pull my semi-automatic and shove it up your ass."

And, she did. But only long enough to attempt to sneak up behind me and kick my ass.

But I'm Jack Bauer, remember? And no one can pull the wool over my eyes! So I went all Jack Bauer on her ass and totally knocked her unconscious.

Yeah, I own. Like well and truly, which called for an uber cool macho-Jack-Bauer-style victory dance.

So there I am, getting down and funky with it whilst singing "Everybody dance now" and making all the sounds and stuff, when Michelle comes out of no where and goes, "Dude! You found my stash of pot!"

I couldn't answer her at first, because I was still dancing and no one stops Jack Bauer from busting a move. So about 10 minutes later I go, "You've got pot? DAMN IT! Now I have an excuse to kill you!"

So I unload a bullet in her arm and she's screaming and crying and pleading for her life. It was hilarious!

With all the fuss, Tony wakes his nancy ass up and rushes to her rescue. He says a few gay things like, "You're such a bastard, Jack" Which was nothing I didn't already know.

03:59:58 -

Michelle is bleeding from the neat-o bullet wound I lodged in her arm, and Tony is desperately trying to save her life. She's going delirious and shit because she's such a freakin' girl and can't hack pain, no wonder she never had kids, and I'm just standing there wondering where she hid the dope.

Dink. Dink. Dink. Dink. 04:00:00


	3. Chapter 3

The following takes place between 4am and 6am...

Michelle lost about 5ml of blood. It was pretty darn tragic, but all I did was keep cool and give Tony a big fat 'W' sign with my hands, signaling WHAT-EV-ER!

Real mature of me, I know. But I'm Jack Bauer. I can get away with shit like that and STILL look as cool as I am.

So Tony had a big ass cry over the whole situation, and everyone had to watch a series of flash backs showing Michelle's life over the last few years.

I reluctantly watched it, and boy did she do shit all! Seriously, if I were her, I'd kill myself. How would you be watching your entire life flash before your eyes only to realise that you didn't accomplish anything? What an existence. I made a mental note to tell her that when she comes to killing herself would really be the best thing to do, for everyone's' sake.

After a while I got totally bored. Tony fell asleep by Michelle's side because he cried so freakin' much. Honestly, I'm tempted to check to see if he has balls, because I'm convinced he has none. How can someone call themselves a man, yet spend ½ their life crying. I bet he was the biggest nerd at school. It wouldn't surprise me one bit. He was probably in the group of kids I used to pick on. Because I'm Jack Bauer, you see, and that's totally acceptable.

DAMN IT! I hadn't said that for a while, so I thought I would.

Michelle's whole tribute bullshit took a great deal of the 2 hours up, so I headed off to the kitchen to make myself a coffee. But it didn't turn out like I'd hoped, and it tasted just like the coffee in Vietnam. I was in that war, you know. At least I think it was that war. To be honest I was too high and full of myself to actually know where I was. Come to think of it, it might just have been a game I was playing with my bucket-o-soldiers.

Oh well.

Anyway as I was saying, my coffee tasted like complete and utter shit. This pissed me off no end. So after a few 'DAMN IT'S', I hurled the cup at the wall. It didn't smash though, because it was plastic. Instead I just got a nice coffee stain splashed across my once-totally-clean white kitchen.

I searched a bit for a rag, and after I couldn't find one I was all like, "DAMN IT!" So I got the next best thing. I grabbed Chloe, turned her upside down and started using her head as a mop. It worked pretty darn good and she didn't even wake up.

05:59:42 -

There was a knock at the door. I pulled my gun and did this uber cool side stepy thing. It was like I was walking on air, I was so damn graceful. I felt like doing a whole ballet routine, but I didn't have time. DAMN IT!

Dink. Dink. Dink. Dink. 06:00:00


	4. Chapter 4

The following takes place between 6am and 8am...

So I decided to add a nice jump as I reached the door. I did it so gracefully, and landed as quietly as a cat. Not a loud cat, mind you, because I imagine fat cats would be loud. I was as quiet as a nice skinny cat. But never mind. If you question my use of simile I will kick your ass and shoot you in the head! DAMN IT!

So I threw open the door, not with grace this time, more like with hard-core ass kickingness, and pointed my gun straight at the intruder.

It turned out to be a girl scout. So I quickly clicked the safety clip off and aimed it a little lower.

"What the hell do you want at…" I had to check my watch because even Jack Bauer loses track of time, but don't tell anyone that, "…6am?"

The girl pissed herself, dropped the box she was holding and ran in the other direction. I think she was crying, but I couldn't tell over all the screaming she was doing.

Stupid kids. They really need to start training them young. When I was a boy, I didn't cry unless no one was looking.

My fish died. Big deal?

Someone stole my cookie. I beat them up.

Injure my hand punching the criminal in the face. Suck it up.

That's how kids should be today. Let me tell you, there'd be a lot more respect being shown if it were. But I'll save that rant for another day.

I watched the little girl running for a moment and laughed inwardly, until I noticed the box she dropped which provoked a scream from within.

Stumbling back I ran behind the couch and poked my head over to spy on it from a safe distance. It wasn't ticking, and whatever it was it smelled good; but you can never be too careful. Especially when your name is Jack Bauer. Let's face it, I'm THAT important that everyone wants a piece of me; a piece of Bauer action.

So I grabbed my phone, which just magically appeared within a reasonable distance, and dialed my 'peeps'.

I let it ring twice, and then I started to get impatient. That fat guy answered, and boy did I let him have it. That guy should be renamed Rodney. He looks like a Rodney. What is his name anyway? Earl? Arnold? Pffft, he's not important enough. Besides, he cries over stupid things, like his mother dying. Who cries over that? Moron.

So anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, the phone rang and the fat guy answered. So I was all, "This is Jack Bauer!"

"I know who it is. I have caller ID."

Damn it, that fat smart ass.

"I don't have time for this! Damn it! I have a situation!"

"A situation?"

"Yes! As in a combination of circumstances at any given moment; a state of affairs. Damn it, if you don't understand English by now why are you working at CTU?"

And then it hit me. He doesn't understand English because he was sent from China to infiltrate CTU. DAMN IT! I can't believe they're still pissed over me killing their consulate! That was so, like, yesterday!

"Jack?"  
It was then that I realized I had ignored the traitor on the other end of the phone, so quickly snapping my thoughts back into line (Because I'm Jack Bauer! So I'm as sharp as a sharp thing) I pulled my 'angry face'. A face that's so much better than the one that guy pulled in Zoolander. What was that look anyway? Blue steal or something? Meh, it doesn't matter. All that matters is that you know how cool I am, damn it!

"I'm on to you, Earl!" I shouted down the phone, pointing aggressively to drive my purpose home.  
"For the last time, Jack, my name is Edgar!" He was so trying to change the subject  
"What-ev-er." I retorted, "Just watch your back, fat boy!"  
And then I slammed down the phone. Although I couldn't, because it was my mobile, so I more like slammed it shut.

07:59:60 –

I grab my neat-o green jacket and the bag that ensures my very survival. No seriously, it does. If I leave the house without it I will DIE!

I've got to get down to CTU and fast!

Dink. Dink. Dink. Dink. 08:00:00


	5. Chapter 5

The following takes place between 8am and 10am...

So I go piss bolting out of my "pad" totally ignoring the suspicious nice smelling box on the floor; partly because Edgar is a fat bastard and I've always wanted to take down that son of a bitch, but mostly because that plot line has become quite pointless, so I'm hoping that everyone else forgets about it, DAMN IT!

So useless plotline aside, I go running off down the hall and then take a swift right and come to a stop at the top of the stairs. The banister looks a little dusty, and it's something that has been pissing me off for the longest time. So I hop up on the railing and slide down, Mary Poppins style, only I'm so much better at it than her. She should've taken lessons from me. But that's what she gets for not answering any of the letters I wrote her when I was 9. Damn it! Do you have any idea what that son of a bitch did to me when she refused to turn up? I was a lonely kid, and she totally fucked me up by ignoring my pleas for the perfect nanny. Instead I was stuck with Inga the fat Swedish asshole who use to force me to do things that just weren't cool. Like that time I wanted to sign up for after school baseball. But she told me I had to join the choir. DAMN IT!

But that's got nothing to do with the SITUATION at hand. I have no idea why I emphasized that word, it just seemed like a cool thing to do at the time.

So there I am, sliding down the banister, totally giving it the sexiest ass dusting it's ever had, when I hit the pole at the end and totally hurt my hip. But I'm Jack Bauer so I ignored the pain and ran out onto the street.

I hurried over to my car and reached into my pocket, only I forgot to bring my keys down and I had no time to go back and get them, DAMN IT! So I looked around, spied some little shit on a pink push bike and totally mugged her for it.

To most that would've looked like a really nasty to thing to do. But like I said numerous times before, I'm Jack Bauer, so I'm totally justified. After all, I'm out saving the world while that slacker's pussy father is holding down a 9 to 5 job in some shitty office. Who do you think deserves the bike more? Me, or pussy father's slacker daughter?

Damn straight it's me. If you'd said her I would've kicked you in the head.

In about 2 seconds I made it in to CTU. No, I'm not living next door to the place I'm just that damn good. I thought about getting some McDonalds on the way and maybe taking a dump, but Jack Bauer just doesn't have time for that kind of crap, so I quickly ditched the idea and kept on peddling.

I walked into the CTU office and went straight to Bill Buchanan. He was in his office, because, well, it's his and everything, and he waved me in and looked rather pissed.

So I'm all like, "'Sup ma homie bitch?" and I do the whole hi sign with the two taps on the chest followed by a peace sign in the air. Yeah, you know the one.

He gets all serious on me and tells me to sit down.

"I don't have time for this, damn it!" I yelled, seeing as he wasn't going to be nice I decided I wasn't going to be either. Plus, I'm Jack Bauer, and I can get away with that.

"Sit down, Jack!"

I totally didn't like his tone, but I figured I'd kick his ass later for that one and I did as I was told.

"Edgar came in earlier."

Then it hit me, the fat fucker got to Bill first. He had him onside already. So I had no choice but to take the situation into my own hands. I was totally on my own now.

"He says you've been harassing him. You know there's a policy against work place harassment in CTU, don't you?"

I shrug and reply with a totally cool sounding casual, "Whatever."

This gets his guard up.

"Jack! You signed it when you started working here, you can't deny that!"

He signals to his guard, who is standing up now, and the guy hands me a copy of the agreement I signed, like, years ago.

After looking at it I realise the joke is on him. HAHAHAHA.

Handing it to Bill I reply, "Yes, but if you notice the clause on the bottom that will answer your question."

So Bill is looking rather embarrassed now because by a little asterix it clearly states that all of the above does not apply to you if your name is Jack Bauer.

Basically there's shit all Bill can do about it.

I lean back on my chair, tilt my head back and project my voice out the door, "Cop that, fatty! Your Chinese ass is mine!"

I hear a rustle and Edgar appears at the door with something in his hand. It's small, round, and has a hole in the middle. My brain came to the conclusion that it had to be another one of those nice smelling bombs. I should've known he'd sent that little evil girl to my place. Only Earl or Rodney or what ever the hell his name is can be that devious.

09:59:06 -

"GET DOWN! HE'S GOT A BOMB, DAMN IT!"

I draw my weapon…

Dink. Dink. Dink. Dink. 10:00:00


	6. Chapter 6

The following takes place between 10am and 12pm…

So I draw my weapon and point it in fatty's general direction and he, like, totally wets himself. It was well and truly a Kodak moment. Come to think of it I should've whipped my mobile phone out and snapped me a picture. It would've been the best office Christmas card ever. (C'mon, that deserves a lol. If you don't lol I'm gonna pummel you into goo… That's better. As you were.)

So because fatty poomba is all aghast at my ass kicking pocket sized tommy gun he doesn't realize that he's relinquished his hold on the bomb. As if this were some corny episode of the Bold and the Beautiful, time slows right down to one frame per 5 seconds with all the faded groovy fuzzed out camera effects. I do not approve, but right now I've got to save CTU so I don't have time to grab the camera man's equipment and insert it where the sun don't shine.

So anyway, like, OMG! The bomb is dropping to the floor and being Jack Bauer (you all must be so stupid because I have to keep reminding you just who I am and how much importance that holds) I think in lighting quick speed and not caring about my own safety I dart towards Edward. DAMN IT! I wish I could remember that bastard's name! Oh well, it's not my fault he's inconsequential. So I dive bomb the fatty, totally not caring if I suffer from whip-lash and smack him down to the floor. He lands on top of the bomb and I swiftly grab my weapon again, shove it upside his head and command he remain still until the bomb explodes. I figure that he's got enough flab to cushion the blow and we'll all be fine.

So we wait a couple of minutes and nothing happens. Eddie is crying and Bill is staring at me in shock, although I think it's just awe of my superiority and legendary Bauer-skills. DAMN IT!

"JACK!"

Bill is yelling at me and I can only assume it's out of concern for my safety. You'd think he'd curb his worry, it can't be doing his kidneys any good and he's all old and stuff so he needs to relax in his "golden years". Like I've said a million times, I'm Jack Bauer, I'm like a cockroach. I can't die. It's just not plausible.

"JACK! ARE YOU INSANE? THAT BOMB ISN'T GOING TO GO OFF!"

I ponder this information at lighting quick speed, complete with flash backs to Arnold walking in with the bomb in his hand and suddenly it all make sense. How could I be so stupid? I didn't say that! If you tell anyone I said that I'm going to hunt you down and make you watch reruns of the Ferris Buller TV series for 2 weeks straight. I kid you not! DAMN IT!

I laugh.

That's right, Jack Bauer can laugh. DAMN IT! Contrary to office gossip, my face does not crack when I smile. Cop that! DAMN IT!

I point and laugh at Ronald and he's still crying and trying to sit up. But because he's so fat he's pretty much like a beetle on its back… only he's on his front and he looks more like a beached whale.

"That's what you get when you buy from China. Keep the profits in America next time, fat ass!"

I decide now's my time to make an exit and am, like, so tempted to kick him in the ass. But upon further deliberation I realise it may not be a good idea. I quite like my boot and I'd hate for it to become lodged somewhere in the deep dark depths of his ass cheeks. OMG! Like, ew! I could so totally barf just thinking about it. OMG!

So I make my exit in the coolest Jack Bauer fashion ever; I walk out the door putting one foot in front of the other. I know, I out do myself in coolosity. But it's just one of those moments where you had to be there to understand the full impact of the situation.

I glance at my watch and to my horror discover that it is no longer functioning. I bought it at Building 19 for 5 bucks only a week ago. Nothing lasts these days! I'm well and truly outraged…

That means someone is going to die.

So I haul ass out towards the parking lot where I left my little pink bike…

Which is now gone. So I move on to plan B.

The bus stop. Usually Jack Bauer is too cool for public transport. But today I make an exception. Because, Jack Bauer is reasonable. He's a lot of other things, too. But for the purpose of this moment I am confirming my reasonableness beyond reason… DAMN IT!

**********************

"DAMN IT!" The bus driver is being a right bastard "I told you already! I AM JACK BAUER! I DO NOT PAY FOR PUBLIC TRANSPORT!"

But he's pretending that he doesn't understand the severity of the situation. So I yell in his face some more. You'd think I learnt this scare tactic from years of extensive CTU training. But no, I learnt this from Inga. She may have been a total bitch, but I'll admit that she was darned good at it. DAMN IT!

"MY WATCH IS BROKEN! THIS IS A MATTER OF NATIONAL SECURITY!!! YOU ARE 15 MINUTES LATE AND I DEMAND THAT YOU MOVE THIS VEHICLE OR I'LL MOVE IT FOR YOU! TIME IS OF THE ESSENCE!"

He decides to be a smart ass and points out that I can't possibly know that he was 15 minutes late if my watch is not functioning.

So I back hand him

Like you didn't see that coming?

"Like, duh! I'm Jack Bauer. I can read the time by the sun. DAMN IT!"

I get no more trouble out of him. He complies with my orders and moves the vehicle and I go to find a seat, but, like, there aren't any where I can sit on my own. So I ask some old lady to shove over.

She's all defiant, feeding me some crap about being old and unable to move. I'm not buying this crap, so I threaten to dob on her. She's still being a total wanker, so I decide to take matters into my own hands. I ball my hand into a tight fist and it's then I notice her swift agile movements. It's this very instant that I realise that she's not an old lady at all!

She's a ninja.

DAMN IT!!!

11:59:22 -

The fight is so on…

Dink. Dink. Dink. Dink. 12:00:00


End file.
